Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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