giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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