I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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