The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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