My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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