I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize