Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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