I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
