Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
There's a naked man in my car right now.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
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