maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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