so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Michael Bay diarrhea
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
