Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i love accidental penises.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
