if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
