Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
