i just sent this text using only my big toe
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
BRING THE BAGELS
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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