Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
