I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
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