I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
