pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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