Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
