apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
