I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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