If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
