Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
