We named our party play list daddy issues
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
