It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
