It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize