his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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