I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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