I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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