Where did you get a picture of my penis
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
