I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
