I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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