Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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