my phone needs a breathalizer
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize