I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize