I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
