So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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