Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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