Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
