I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
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