i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
