why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize