You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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