2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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