I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
