every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
