Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Randomize
