I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize