Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
