Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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