There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
