if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
