Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
