The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
