at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
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