I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
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