Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
