when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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