I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
