In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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