I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
